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By Patrick Hruby
Page 2

Welcome to Part 2 of Page 2's 2005 Ignominious Effort Awards. Why a second helping? Because unlike a pair of hot-to-trot Carolina Panthers cheerleaders -- or anabolic amigos Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire -- we couldn't cram all the fun into a single bathroom stall.

Kenny Rogers


Kenny, we really hope you learned "when to fold 'em" in the summer of 2005.

(Oh, and in case you missed Part I, click here. Also, be sure to check out our Drugs 'n' Sports Year-in-Review Quiz, as well as our Sour 16 Ignominious MVP playoff bracket.)

On with the show: An annoying weatherman, we could understand
Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers was suspended for shoving a television cameraman. Which makes him 12 in Dominican years
The Colorado Rockies mistakenly drafted pitcher Timothy Brewer, a 17-year-old 11th grader who was not eligible for the draft. See? Even he can't spell K-R-Z-Y-Z-E-Z-S-W-S-K-Z ... er, whatever
In a commercial for American Express, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski signs his credit card "Coach K." The Philadelphia Eagles considered doing the same thing to Terrell Owens. What were you saying about Halloween?
As part of a Halloween prank, Southern Cal coach Pete Carroll had a dummy dressed as one of his players thrown off the side of a four-story building. TEAM OF '05: THE VIKES
Big deal. Like you've never done the same to beat traffic
Former Minnesota Vikings receiver Randy Moss walked off the field before the final play of a road loss to the Washington Redskins. And following months of PTSD counseling, Joe Buck is no longer perched at the edge of sanity, gazing into the inky void of the abyss
After catching a touchdown pass in a playoff victory over Green Bay, Moss pretended to moon the end-zone stands at Lambeau Field. Good thing they got rid of that troublemaker Randy Moss
Four Minnesota Vikings players, including quarterback Daunte Culpepper, were charged with indecent conduct, disorderly conduct and lewd or lascivious conduct for taking part in a bawdy boat cruise on Lake Minnetonka. Come aboard. Illegal use of the hands. Insert "Love Boat"/football double-entendre here
According to the attorney representing the boat owners, crew members complained that Vikings players and women engaged in public sex acts during the cruise. Rule No. 1: All Caligula-aping orgies must take place on dry land
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf responded to the sex boat scandal by instituting a new team code of conduct. Get a boat, already!
Ten people were arrested for operating a mobile strip club in the parking lot of Raymond James Stadium during a Chicago Bears-Tampa Bay Buccaneers game. Meanwhile, back on land ...
Vikings coach Mike Tice admitted to scalping Super Bowl tickets. Pot. Kettle. Black. Discuss
Following a home loss to Pittsburgh, Tice criticized Vikings season-ticket holders for selling their tickets to Steelers fans and nullifying Minnesota's home-field advantage.
Sorry, but the pariah convention is across the street
O.J. Simpson was asked to leave an Illinois sports collectors' convention where he had intended to sign autographs. "Wow, this fake blood looks just like the real thing!"
Simpson later signed autographs at a Los Angeles horror movie convention. The Goldman and Brown families concur
After actor Robert Blake was found liable for the murder of his wife in a civil trial, Simpson said the United States legal system was unfair. In other words, like "Grand Theft Auto III"
Former Tampa Bay Lighting defenseman Rudy Poeschek was stopped and tasered by police after driving his car across residential lawns and through mailboxes. Believe it or not, she wasn't driving
The car contained Poeschek's 5-year-old daughter. Ah, so it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day
Tampa police reportedly have arrested Poeschek eight times since 2002. "To the contrary, I hear Northern Saskatchewan is quite beautiful"
Told that Poeschek had sold his home and planned to move back to Canada, a Florida judge said: "I think it would probably be in the best interest of everyone if you left the country. I'm not saying that in an ugly way or a bad way." But not in an ugly, bad way
A deceased Ottawa man's obituary called Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow "skunks." Wait -- there are knockoff Whizzinators?
While searching the luggage of Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith, airport police found an "Original Whizzinator," a fake plastic penis used to foil drug tests. Actually, million seems kind of low, considering his name was indirectly linked to John Corbett
Yogi Berra filed a million lawsuit against TBS, claiming the network sullied his name by using it in an ad for "Sex and the City" reruns. What happens when two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders and Onterrio Smith use a boat bathroom at the same time?
The TBS ad asked for the meaning of the term "yogasm" and gave the following options: (a) a type of yo-yo trick; (b) sex with Yogi Berra; (c) what Samantha has with a guy from yoga class. In related news, Pat Riley was attacked by Mothra
Colorado Rockies pitcher Darren Oliver had to leave a spring training game after bees swarmed him because of the coconut oil in his hair gel.
Anna Benson

The Mets are currently negotiating to trade Kris, but keep Anna.

Because New York sports franchises detest free publicity
Anna Benson, wife of New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson, said the team considered trading her husband because she discussed posing for Playboy.

Remember: watching Kyle Boller is a big part of his job
Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick wore sunglasses during a night game at Denver. Aron Ralston plays soccer?
After a kick from an opposing player opened a four-centimeter gash on his penis, a German soccer player sealed the wound with glue, reentered the game and scored a goal. Yes, but could he Super Glue a wounded penis?
Houston Astros second baseman Craig Biggio set the Major League career record for being hit by a pitch. Not the sort of domestic spying President Bush had in mind
Following the Super Bowl coin toss, New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick went to the wrong sideline. Where's special agent Belichick when you need him?
When Patriots owner Robert Kraft showed his diamond-encrusted Super Bowl ring to Russian president Vladimir Putin during a meeting with American business executives, Putin pocketed the ring and left.

"No, my genitals aren't hooked up to KGB electrodes. Why do you ask?"
Kraft later claimed he gave the ring to Putin as a "symbol of the respect and admiration that I have for the Russian people."

Here, take these boat passes instead
After appearing to give a paralyzed high school football player two diamond necklaces worth about ,000 during an NFL awards ceremony, Minnesota Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper asked for them back. In related news, Ricky Williams was sued by the producers of "Candyman" for the rights to his beard
Rasheed Wallace was sued by a Portland tattoo artist over the rights to his right arm. Which also includes the letters D, U and I
Pulled over for drunken driving by Florida police and asked to recite the alphabet, Baltimore Orioles pitcher Eric DuBose allegedly said, "I'm from Alabama, and they have a different alphabet." Human rights activists were slightly less successful in pressuring officials to ban rugby
Pressured by animal rights activists, New Zealand rugby officials banned on-field sheep tackling by children, a popular halftime entertainment. Well, that ought to satisfy PETA ...
In an effort to legalize cockfighting, an Oklahoma state senator proposed boxing gloves for birds.
Robert Kraft and Vladimir Putin

AP Photo/Alexander Zemlianichenko

"I love the Russian people so much that I'll bring the Lombardi Trophy next time."

... or maybe not
An influential Jesuit magazine declared boxing to be legitimized "attempted murder." Put together a 110-0 run, and they're right back in it
An Oklahoma high school basketball team lost a game 112-2. Which is 10 times better than some two-bit Oklahoma high school basketball team, thank you very much
Princeton University's men's basketball team scored 21 points in a loss to Monmouth. Helping the needy
An English Premier League soccer player who earns ,000 a week was granted government legal aid to fight a charge that he spit on an 11-year-old fan during a match. What does he think this is, the British legal system?
Denver Nuggets center Marcus Camby said that NBA players should be given a clothing stipend to comply with the league's new dress code.
Domonick Hrbaty

If a woman wore this shirt, we'd have an international incident on our hands.

See what happens when you don't get a clothing stipend?
During a match at the U.S. Open, tennis player Dominik Hrbaty wore a shirt that had two holes cut out in the back around his shoulder blades.

Oh, so that's how Ron Artest kept busy during his suspension
An Australian Rules Football umpire stopped a game, charged into the stands and tackled a 50-year-old heckler. It was all downhill from there
Former Olympic ski champ Bill Johnson was charged with assaulting an officer after punching a sheriff's deputy in the face during a traffic stop. True. But they do have guns
Approached by officers, Johnson pulled out his 1984 gold medal and taunted, "you don't have one of these." Thereby boosting worldwide sales of "Soul-O" from 40,000 to 40,001
Southern Cal quarterback Matt Leinart refused to go on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" unless producers agreed to also invite friend and pop singer Nick Lachey. In related news, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi took up Gingerbread House making
Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf enrolled in a media relations class at Washington State University. He'll never play fantasy football again
After former New York Jets defensive back Ray Mickens urged the team to sign free agent Ty Law, the team cut Mickens to make room for Law, then gave Law the No. 24 jersey previously worn by Mickens. Buy a dozen, get Ruben Patterson's contract for free!
The Portland Trailblazers sold discounted tickets at Costco. Let the healing begin
When the New Orleans Saints were forced to play their "home opener" at Giants Stadium following Hurricane Katrina, some New York Giants fans reportedly taunted visiting Saints fans with jeers of "where's your swimmies?" and "you deserve what you got." Can you hear me ... OW!
Brazilian soccer star Roberto Carlos was mugged during a live radio interview.
High Jumper of the Year: NBA Dress Code Justification of the Year:
Tom Cruise George Karl

Your honor, the dog was loaded
A blind man who drove and wrecked his golf cart while his drunk friend navigated blamed the accident on his seeing-eye dog. Hey, the Knicks are in town!
A Philadelphia museum hosted displays featuring dead human bodies appearing to play basketball. Meanwhile, 1,000 monkeys on 1,000 typewriters put the finishing touches on "Boitano! The Musical"
A Massachusetts author co-wrote an opera about Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. Our question exactly
The opera's aria is built around Kerrigan's famous cry of "Why? Why? Why?" If the season ended today, the Atlanta Hawks would be in
The NHL considered expanding its playoff field from 16 teams to 20.
Diego Maradona/Mike Tyson


Maradona and Tyson watch as the invisible "Hand of God" moves the ball between them.

Makes sense, considering God was busy appearing on a tortilla in Mexico
Former Argentinean soccer star Diego Maradona admitted that he punched his famous "Hand of God" goal.

"Did I say punched? I meant stomach-butted"
Former Argentinean soccer star Diego Maradona underwent gastric bypass surgery to reduce his bloated waistline. In related news, Diego Maradona announced a comeback
A Norwegian soccer player delayed his retirement when his team offered to buy him all the pizza he could eat for another season. Next door to the Cheap Irony Bakery
Denver Broncos quality control coach Kyle Shanahan was arrested for public intoxication after causing a scene outside the Have a Nice Day Cafe. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going for lunch at the Have a Nice Day Cafe." BEEP
When a St. Louis columnist wrote that Rams executives were backstabbing coach Mike Martz, team director of football administration Samir Suleiman left the columnist a message stating: "Tell your source ... I'm not a backstabber, I'm an [expletive] throat-slasher, and he'll know the difference before it's all said and done." At least he's not a backstabber!
Nebraska football coach Bill Callahan was reprimanded for making an apparent throat-slashing gesture toward officials during a loss to Oklahoma. Frogs still can't talk. Just in case you're wondering
The actor who portrays "Leon" in Budweiser ads signed a minor-league pitching contract. Laptops? We thought they were XBox 360s!
University of Connecticut guards Marcus Williams and A.J. Price were accused of stealing laptop computers from other students. About time. Anything more than 209 pages would be totally gratuitous
The NCAA passed a 208-page limit for football team media guides. But only after they gave up trying to shoot them through an NCAA football team media guide
Two Penn State football players were temporarily expelled from the school for shooting more than 30 arrows through a dorm room wall. Rush Limbaugh joined the NAACP?
The president of Philadelphia's NAACP wrote a newspaper column calling Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb a "mediocre talent." But don't let that distract you
As a player for a mostly Catholic New Zealand rugby team lined up to take a road game penalty kick, the home PA announcer declared that the Pope had died in a car accident. "Did I say the Pope? I meant James Dean. Fifty years ago. My bad"
After the penalty kick hit the post, the announcer amended his report and said the Pope was fine. Probably had a wedding to attend
After paying for a spot in the Chicago Marathon, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks didn't show. ¿Cémo se dice "I'm Rick James?"
Sergio Sanchez, a Spanish soccer player, claimed England's David Beckham slapped him in a stadium tunnel following a game. Slap It Like Beckham
Pakistan's first-ever women's soccer championship game ended in a on-field brawl that spilled over into the trophy presentation ceremony. And with that, Norv Turner put down the newspaper and took a long, slow gulp
Nashville Rhythm co-owner Sally Anthony was taken off the floor by security guards after attempting to fire coach Ashley McElhiney during the third quarter of a game. Meanwhile, players with a GPA below 1.0 received an alternating course of food pellets and electroshock
Arizona State University became the first Division I football program to award "Scholar-Baller" uniform patches to any player with a GPA of 3.0 or higher. So much for those patch factory Christmas bonuses
A survey found that nearly half of this year's bowl-bound college football teams have a graduation rate of less than 50 percent. THE YEAR IN MIKE TYSON
Followed by tea and scones
A British black tie dinner for Tyson ended in a brawl. God forbid he suffer any brain trauma
Tyson was fined 0 for riding a jet ski too close to shore and without a helmet off the island of Capri. Variety: the spice of life
Boxer Kevin McBride accused Tyson of biting his nipple during their fight. Hey, lay off. The guy's not in prison anymore
Said McBride: "Good thing he wasn't a midget, otherwise he would have bitten something else." Because boxing a kangaroo could be dangerous
Tyson said he was considering starring in a porn film with Jenna Jameson. If porn doesn't work out, there's always pitching for the Texas Rangers
A Brazilian reporter accused Tyson of grabbing his camera, destroying the tape and hitting him on the head. Um, have you seen any of his recent bouts?
Said skeptical Sao Paulo district police chief Roberto Calassa: "We doubt [the reporter] was hit because everyone knows Mike Tyson's punch and [the reporter] didn't seem to have a wound." What could possibly go wrong?
A Brazilian newspaper reported that Tyson brought six women back to his hotel but that staff would not allow them to go up to his room. Karaoke of the Year Tyson and singer Bobby Brown performed "Monster Mash" on ABC's "Jimmy Kimmel Live." Why didn't Page 2 think of this?
An English tabloid held a contest giving the winner a chance to go out drinking with Tyson.
Next up: threatening legal action against Mount Olympia, Manet's "Olympia" and Sen. Olympia J. Snowe
The United States Olympic Committee said it would sue the organizers of the Ferret Olympics unless they dropped the word "Olympics" from their event. Sounds like his major-league career
While imprisoned in Aruba for allegedly punching a judge, former Baltimore Orioles pitcher Sidney Ponson slept through a successful jailbreak by his cellmates. His stuff? Nasty
Free-agent pitcher Ugueth Urbina was charged with attempted murder in his native Venezuela for allegedly joining a group of men in attacking and injuring five workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them at his family's ranch. Depends on your definition of "humanitarian"
The Los Angeles Dodgers nominated temperamental outfielder Milton Bradley for the Roberto Clemente Award, which honors humanitarian contributions. The Dodgers promptly nominated him for the Roberto Clemente Award
Former NFL running back Lawrence Phillips was arrested for allegedly running a car into three teenagers who argued with him during a pickup football game. Actions speak louder than words. Unless those words are directed at Steve Javie
One night after telling his players to stop complaining to officials, Charlotte Bobcats coach Bernie Bickerstaff was ejected from a game for arguing with a referee. Randy Moss fan
Kansas State running back Thomas Clayton was arrested for attempting to run over a campus parking officer. Meanwhile, Touchdown Jesus grew out his beard to celebrate the arrival of Charlie Weis
The assistant to Notre Dame's president shaved her head to protest the firing of football coach Ty Willingham. OK, but can you wait until the commercials? We're trying to watch poker here
Los Angeles Kings center Jeremy Roenick said fans who thought locked-out hockey players were "spoiled" could "kiss my ass." Why didn't he say he was a huge Robert Parish fan?
An Oklahoma man who had reached a plea agreement for a 30-year prison term asked a judge for a 33-year term, the better to match Larry Bird's jersey number. "I'm trying to rip your bodice," Fabio said, panting. "But these damn Pennzoil patches are getting in the way"
Romance novel publisher Harlequin Enterprises announced plans to release a line of NASCAR-related books. The sculpture announced plans to remain half-finished until moved to New Jersey
A Florida high school announced plans to place a life-size sculpture of Vince Carter in front of a new gym being built with a contribution from the New Jersey Nets star. Got nausea?
Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny offered 0 to a Florida Marlins batboy if he could drink a gallon of milk in less than an hour. Which gives him something in common with Bob Huggins
The batboy drank the milk but threw up. Agreed. Baseball is way too soft on milk drinkers
After the batboy was suspended for six games, Penny said: "It's kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk." If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'
A California high school football coach was banned for life after being caught on video moving a field marker to help his team get a first down. If you ain't tryin', you ain't cheatin'
After the Massachusetts racing commission suspended a harness driver for betting against himself, a track executive said: "I don't think he altered the outcome of the race. I just think he was dumb." Honestly, can you blame him?
Detroit Pistons forward Darko Milicic was pulled over for driving with illegally tinted windows. Injury of the Year
European soccer star Freddie Ljungberg needed surgery and missed four weeks of play after a negative reaction to tattoo ink. A positive reaction to tattoo ink
An online casino paid the ex-wife of Houston Astros first baseman Jeff Bagwell to tattoo its logo on her cleavage, then wear strapless dresses and bikinis for a month.
Richard Hamilton

Rip Hamilton saves some tread by shielding his hair from the spotlight.

Wearing strapless dresses and bikinis for a month wasn't feasible
Indiana Pacers forward Ron Artest shaved the name of his record label, "Tru Warier," into the hair on the back of his head.

Road Warier
As part of an endorsement deal, Detroit Pistons guard Richard Hamilton had his hair braided in the pattern of Goodyear's Triple Tred tire. However, Rip Hamilton's head was cleared to participate
Fourteen of the 20 cars scheduled to race in the U.S. Grand Prix were disqualified just hours before the race because their Michelin tires were deemed unsafe. Die-hard Fan of the Year
For the funeral home viewing of a deceased Pittsburgh Steelers fan, his family arranged to have his body dressed in black and gold pajamas and placed on a recliner, beer and a remote control at his side, while a nearby high-definition television played a continuous loop of Steelers highlights. Die-harder Fan of the Year
A Philadelphia Eagles fan was charged with defiant trespass after running onto Lincoln Financial Field during a game and spreading around his dead mother's ashes. CIAO, ITALY!
Relax, it was a safety flare
An Italian soccer match was canceled after AC Milan's goalkeeper was hit by a lit flare thrown from the stands. What, no FIRE MILLEN signs?
At another Italian soccer match, Lazio fans waved swastika flags and fascist banners. Actually, the first time he was just stretching
Italian soccer player Paolo Di Canio twice appeared to give fans fascist salutes during matches. Many of whom moved to Argentina following World War II
Said Di Canio: "I will always salute as I did yesterday because it gives me a sense of belonging to my people." Wonder why
An Italian study found that two-thirds of Italy's top soccer players are stressed out by their jobs.
Long Jump of the Year
A New York fan intentionally jumped from the upper deck onto the netting behind home plate at Yankee Stadium. Deep Thought of the Year
New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez, on his therapy sessions: "Therapy can be a good thing. It can be therapeutic." Deeper Thought of the Year
Maurice Clarett, on his newfound humility heading into the NFL draft combine: "It's a humbling thing being humble." Honest, Swear-to-God, 100 Percent Completely True Police Report Testimony of the Year
Two College of Charleston tennis players told police that after drinking 30 and 20 alcoholic beverages, respectively, they were kidnapped by a man with a knife and "compelled" to smoke crack with him. "Dude -- do you think coach knows Onterrio Smith?"
Following a four-hour crack binge, the College of Charleston players realized they were going to be drug-tested the next week and decided to call their coach. This bud's for you
Two Oregon State football players, Jimtavis Walker and Star Paddock, were charged with attempting to pay a cab driver with marijuana because they were low on cash. This Bud's not for you
Giants Stadium officials banned alcohol sales at a New York Jets-New England Patriots game. Which pretty much defeats the purpose for Jets fans
Said a fan in the New York Daily News: "If you're not drinking, you remember more." Go figure
A University of Idaho study found that athletes are lacking in honesty, fairness and responsibility -- and that the longer they compete in sports, the more morally callous they become. Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2.

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